Humans are social creatures who seek personal validation based on how others interact with them. We feel good and important when others share our belief system and dejected when there’s a conflict of opinions.

人类是社交动物，他们根据他人与他人的互动方式寻求个人认可。 当其他人分享我们的信仰体系时，我们感到良好而重要；而在意见冲突时，我们感到沮丧。

It’s then natural to want to work with people who are just like us, our clones.

想要与像我们这样的克隆人一样的人一起工作是很自然的。

Every once in a while when we come across people who do not value our inputs, who crush our ideas, ignore what we have to say, act like a know-it-all, seem to find pleasure in criticism and satisfaction in creating chaos, and who look for the negative side of things, it upsets us.

每隔一段时间，当我们遇到不珍惜我们意见的人，粉碎我们的想法，无视我们要说的话，像万事通一样行事时，似乎在批评中感到高兴，并在制造混乱时感到满足，谁在寻找事物的消极面，这会让我们不高兴。

These so-called difficult people push our buttons by acting in undesirable ways. Their behaviour gives us permission to pass judgement and offload responsibility by blaming them. After all, they are at fault.

这些所谓的困难者通过以不良的方式行事来推动我们前进。 他们的行为使我们可以通过指责他们来做出判断并减轻责任。 毕竟，他们有错。

Epictetus, a Greek stoic philosopher once said, “Men are disturbed not by things, but by the view which they take of them.”

希腊坚忍的哲学家埃皮克提图斯曾经说过：“男人不是被事物打扰，而是被他们对事物的看法所打扰。”

While difficult people are a reality of life and everything we feel about them may be true, is it really in our best interest to navigate our lives by blaming them, holding them responsible for not reaching our goals, and pretending that we didn’t succeed because of some mean co-workers?

虽然困难的人是生活的现实，我们对他们的一切感觉都是真实的，但通过责备他们，让他们为未达到目标负责，并假装我们没有成功，来过我们的生活真的符合我们的最大利益吗？因为一些卑鄙的同事？

Is there a better way of working with difficult people? Can we shift from acting as a critic who passes judgement or a victim who is being defensive to a responsible adult who can work with different types of people?

有更好的方法与困难的人一起工作吗？ 我们可以从扮演判断力强的批评家或防御性受害者的角色转变成可以与不同类型的人一起工作的负责任的成年人吗？

Before jumping to strategies, let us learn how we think, act, and behave around difficult people. Unless we understand our own mindset, any strategy we try to put to practice will be superficial. It will not address our underlying emotions, the most critical aspect to deal with while working with people we find difficult and challenging.

在采取策略之前，让我们学习如何在困难的人周围思考，采取行动和表现。 除非我们了解自己的心态，否则我们尝试实施的任何策略都是肤浅的。 它不会解决我们的内在情绪，这是与我们发现困难和挑战的人一起工作时最关键的方面。

“To try to change outward attitudes and behaviors does very little good in the long run if we fail to examine the basic paradigms from which those attitudes and behaviors flow. As clearly and objectively as we think we see things, we begin to realize that others see them differently from their own apparently equally clear and objective point of view. ‘Where we stand depends on where we sit.’”

从长远来看，如果我们未能检验那些态度和行为所基于的基本范式，试图改变外在态度和行为将无济于事。 正如我们认为自己所看到的那样清晰而客观，我们开始意识到其他人从他们自己同样明显清晰和客观的角度来看待它们的方式也有所不同。 “我们的立场取决于我们的立场。””

— The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey

—斯蒂芬·R·科维(Stephen R. Covey)的七种高效人的习惯

我们如何与困难的人打交道？ (How Do We Deal With Difficult People?)

We have personal filters that determine how we view the world and the people in it. How we relate to someone else is driven by our own personality, expectations, background, and experience.

我们拥有个人过滤器，这些过滤器决定了我们如何看待世界和其中的人们。 我们与他人的关系方式取决于我们自己的个性，期望，背景和经验。

Some people instantly click and connect to us, and it is difficult to comprehend or rationalise why we trust them. Then there are others we dislike the moment we shake their hands, with our inner voice whispering in our ears “I am not going to like this person.”

有些人会立即单击并连接到我们，因此很难理解或合理化我们为什么信任他们。 然后还有其他人不喜欢我们握手的那一刻，内心的声音在耳边轻声说道：“我不会喜欢这个人。”

Why we find someone difficult is then a very personal affair. That doesn’t mean there aren’t people who are largely unpopular, but they are very rare.

为什么我们发现某人困难是一件非常个人的事情。 这并不意味着不会有很多人不受欢迎，但是他们非常罕见。

Once our mind takes us down the emotional path, we take a one-sided view of the problem. When dealing with difficult people, remember this TRICK (T — Tagging, R — Righteousness, I — Intention, C — Confirmation, K — Keenness) framework that drives us to behave in certain ways:

一旦我们的思想使我们沿着情感的道路走下去，我们就对问题采取了单方面的看法。 与困难的人打交道时，请记住这个促使我们以某些方式行事的TRICK(T-标记，R-正义，I-意图，C-确认，K-热情)框架：

T-标记导致分类 (T — Tagging leading to classification)

Isn’t it easy to notice flaws in others while ignoring our own shortcomings?

在忽略我们自己的缺点的同时发现别人的缺陷难道不是很容易吗？

We are quick to label others — he’s needy, manipulative, fake, cheat, pretentious, condescending, cynic, liar, opinionated, arrogant, argumentative.

我们很快就给别人贴上标签-他有需要，有操纵性，假冒，作弊，自命不凡，居高临下，愤世嫉俗，撒谎，固执己见，自大，有争议。

“We judge others by their behavior, but we think we have special information about ourselves — we know what we are ‘really like’ inside, so we can easily find ways to explain away our selfish acts and cling to the illusion that we are better than others.” — Jonathan Haidt, The Happiness Hypothesis

“我们通过他人的行为来判断他人，但我们认为我们拥有关于自己的特殊信息-我们知道我们的内在'真像'，因此我们可以轻松地找到方法来解释我们的自私行为并坚持我们做得更好的幻想相对于其它的。” —乔纳森·海特(Jonathan Haidt)，《幸福假说》

Without making an attempt to understand the other person, what’s important to them, what’s their belief system, and what could be driving this behaviour, we place people into buckets.

在不试图了解对方的情况下，对他们而言重要的是什么，他们的信仰体系是什么，以及可能推动这种行为的是什么，我们就把人们放在了水桶里。

Tagging people happens in the part of our brain that runs on autopilot, without our conscious awareness. It’s what helps our brain to apply shortcuts while dealing with others.

给人加标签发生在我们自动驾驶的大脑部分，而没有我们的意识。 这就是帮助我们的大脑在与他人打交道时应用快捷方式的原因。

Classifying people as easy (safe) or difficult (threat) gives permission to our brain to act in certain ways.

将人分为容易(安全)或困难(威胁)类别可以使我们的大脑以某种方式行事。

R-正义要求拒绝 (R — Righteousness calling for rejection)

The moment we find someone difficult, our body tightens up. We lose flexibility not only in our body but in our response too.

一旦发现某人有困难，我们的身体就会收紧。 我们不仅在身体上失去灵活性，而且在响应中也失去了灵活性。

We start believing in the righteousness of how we feel, what we want, and why the other person deserves to be treated in a certain way. Once we reject them as a person, we start rejecting their ideas too. We take a stand and stick to it.

我们开始相信我们的感受，我们想要的东西以及为什么应该以某种方式对待另一个人的正义。 一旦我们拒绝他们作为一个人，我们也开始拒绝他们的想法。 我们坚持并坚持下去。

“‘…who died maintaining his right of way / He was right, dead right, as he sped along, / But he’s just as dead as if he were wrong.’ You may be right, dead right, as you speed along in your argument; but as far as changing another’s mind is concerned, you will probably be just as futile as if you were wrong.”

“'...死于维护自己的通行权的人/他是正确的，是正确的，随着他的前进，/但他却像他错了一样死了。” 随着争论的进行，你可能是对的，是死的。 但就改变别人的想法而言，您可能会像自己错了一样徒劳无益。”

— Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People

— Dale Carnegie，如何赢得朋友和影响人

The fixed view enables us to rationalise why the person is acting this way.

固定的观点使我们能够合理地说明人为什么这样做。

I —假设驱动的意图 (I — Intention driven by assumptions)

Once we know we are right and the other person is indeed difficult, it’s easy to assume that they are acting out of bad intent.

一旦我们知道自己是对的，而另一个人确实很困难，就很容易假设他们的行为是出于恶意。

Hanlon’s razor states: “Never attribute to bad intentions that which is adequately explained by ignorance, incompetence, negligence, misunderstanding, laziness or other probable causes.”

汉隆的剃刀说：“永远不要将不良意图归因于无知，无能，过失，误解，懒惰或其他可能的原因。”

Without applying Hanlon’s razor as a mental model to understand their behaviour and look for alternate perspectives, we assume bad intention as the source of the problem.

如果不使用汉隆的剃刀作为心理模型来了解他们的行为并寻找其他观点，我们会认为恶意是问题的根源。

We choose to live with our assumptions, without showing an intent to understand the other person and their action.

我们选择遵循自己的假设，而不表现出了解对方及其行为的意图。

Difficult becomes synonymous with bad in our minds, which further strengthens our belief system.

困难变成了不良思想的代名词，这进一步加强了我们的信仰体系。

C-确认我们的信念 (C — Confirmation of our beliefs)

Once we label someone as difficult, every interaction then serves as a validation of our beliefs. Confirmation bias prevails, as we stick with our perception in all our discussions.

一旦我们将某人标记为困难，那么每一次互动都可以证明我们的信念。 由于我们在所有讨论中都坚持自己的看法，因此普遍存在确认偏差。

It leads us to reject the evidence that contradicts our beliefs and look for information that strengthens our point of view.

它导致我们拒绝与我们的信念相矛盾的证据，而寻找能够增强我们观点的信息。

Whatever the person does or says is then viewed through a skewed lens that reinforces their difficult behaviour even though the interaction may be entirely normal.

然后，通过偏斜的镜头观看人的所作所为或说话，即使交互可能是完全正常的，也可以增强他们的困难行为。

We stick with our first impression instead of making an attempt to view every situation differently.

我们坚持第一印象，而不是尝试以不同的方式看待每种情况。

K-乐于助人 (K — Keenness to fix others)

We do not look at ourselves to determine what about us could be causing the other person to act in a particular way. Without changing our own behaviour, we expect others to act in a certain way.

我们不会看着自己来确定我们可能导致其他人以特定方式行事的原因。 在不改变自己的行为的情况下，我们希望其他人以某种方式行事。

The assumption that the other person is at fault leads to a desire to fix them.

另一个人有过错的假设导致了修复他们的愿望。

They might be at fault, but we cannot fix someone else. The best we can do is to take charge of things which are under our control.

他们可能有错，但我们无法修复其他人。 我们能做的最好的事情就是掌控我们所控制的事情。

“Many factors in interdependent situations are not in your Circle of Concern-problems, disagreements, circumstances, other people’s behavior. And if you focus your energies out there, you deplete them with little positive results. But you can always seek first to understand. That’s something that’s within your control. And as you do that, as you focus on your Circle of Influence, you really, deeply understand other people. You have accurate information to work with, you get to the heart of matters quickly, you build Emotional Bank Accounts, and you give people the psychological air they need so you can work together effectively.”

“在相互依存的情况下，许多因素不在您关注的问题，分歧，情况，其他人的行为之列。 而且，如果您将精力集中在那儿，则会耗尽它们，几乎没有积极的结果。 但您始终可以首先寻求了解。 那是您控制的事情。 这样一来，当您专注于影响力圈子时，您就能真正深刻地理解他人。 您可以使用准确的信息，可以快速了解事务的核心，建立Emotional银行帐户，并为人们提供所需的心理氛围，以便您可以有效地开展合作。”

— Stephen R. Covey in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

—《高效能人士的七个习惯》中的史蒂芬·科维

Remember that our mind plays these tricks to help us make sense of the world and the people in it. Labelling someone difficult and sticking to it is letting your brain run on autopilot, while taking control requires conscious effort and deliberate thinking.

请记住，我们的思维发挥了这些技巧，可以帮助我们理解世界和其中的人们。 给困难的人贴上标签并坚持下去会让您的大脑在自动驾驶仪上运行，而控制时则需要有意识的努力和深思熟虑的思维。

当我们与困难的人互动时会发生什么？ (What Happens When We Interact With Difficult People?)

The amygdala is an older part of our brain in the limbic system which is responsible for processing emotions, and it’s not very good at separating a real danger from a perceived one.

杏仁核是我们大脑边缘系统中较老的部分，负责处理情绪，它不能很好地将实际危险与感知危险区分开。

When dealing with difficult people, it’s perceived as a threat by the amygdala, which triggers the fight-or-flight response as a mechanism to respond to danger.

与困难的人打交道时，杏仁核将其视为威胁，这会触发“战斗或逃避”React，作为对危险做出React的机制。

We either try to fight the behaviour by reacting instinctively without a thoughtful response or flee from the situation without solving the problem. Each such interaction can release stress hormones that can lead to a pounding heart, quickened breathing, tense muscles, and anxiety.

我们或者试图通过本能地做出React而没有经过深思熟虑的React来打击这种行为，或者逃避这种情况而没有解决问题。 每种此类相互作用都可以释放压力激素，从而导致心脏跳动，呼吸加快，肌肉紧张和焦虑。

It can also drain us of our energy, making us feel exhausted, and can lead to overthinking which causes us to get stuck and drift away from important work, in turn hitting our productivity.

它还会耗尽我们的精力，使我们感到精疲力尽，并可能导致思维过度，从而使我们陷入困境并偏离重要工作，进而影响我们的生产力。

处理困难人士的4条策略 (4 Strategies to Handle Difficult People)

We may not realise that we have supreme power over our own thinking and action, which contributes to how others around us behave. As Dr. Mike Bechtle advocates in People Can’t Drive You Crazy If You Don’t Give Them the Keys, “It means that we work on our side of the relationship, no matter what happens on the other side. We don’t change them; we change ourselves.”

我们可能没有意识到我们对自己的思想和行动拥有最高的权力，这有助于我们周围其他人的行为。 正如迈克·贝克特尔(Mike Bechtle)博士所倡导的，如果不给他们钥匙，人们就不会发疯，“这意味着，无论对方发生什么事情，我们都在为我们的关系而努力。 我们不更改它们； 我们改变自己。”

It may seem right to want others to change, but it’s extremely difficult. So, control what you can and stop thinking about what you can’t by following these four practices to deal with difficult people.

希望其他人改变似乎是正确的，但这是极其困难的。 因此，通过遵循这四种做法来与困难的人打交道，控制自己可以做什么，并停止思考不能做什么。

1.将人与行为分开 (1. Separate the person from the behaviour)

Labelling a person as difficult or bad doesn’t help. When you find someone difficult, you may think that you do not like the person, but it’s actually their behaviour that you dislike.

将一个人标记为困难或不良无济于事。 当发现某人困难时，您可能会认为您不喜欢该人，但实际上您不喜欢他们的行为。

Separating the person from their behaviour will allow you to identify your own limits and determine what aspect of a person’s behaviour troubles you.

将人与他们的行为分开，将使您能够确定自己的局限性，并确定人的行为的哪些方面会困扰您。

Following this as a practice every time you encounter a difficult person can help you to draw patterns. Is it the perfectionist that bothers you, or someone who’s too aggressive and loud? What about the extremely logical kinds who ignore emotional cues, or people who stick to norms and fear disruption? Or maybe it’s the cultural misfits?

每次遇到困难的人时，都应遵循此做法，以帮助您绘制图案。 是完美主义者困扰着您，还是一个太激进和大声的人？ 那些忽略情感线索或坚持规范并惧怕干扰的极端逻辑类型呢？ 还是文化不匹配？

Once you understand this, you can be kind to the person while still devising strategies to deal with their behaviour.

一旦理解了这一点，您就可以对人友善，同时仍可以制定策略来应对他们的行为。

It also enables a healthy dialogue by helping you shift in the language you use. There’s a huge difference in saying “I find you obnoxious” vs. saying “the idea that you suggested does not consider….”

通过帮助您改变使用的语言，还可以实现健康的对话。 说“我觉得你很讨厌”与说“你建议的想法没有考虑……”有很大的不同。

The first statement is about the person, which can instantly make them defensive, while the second one is about their idea, which invites the other person to have a healthy debate.

第一个陈述是关于这个人的，这可以立即使他们防御，而第二个陈述是关于他们的想法的，这邀请了另一个人进行健康的辩论。

2.拓宽视野 (2. Widen your perspective)

When you are having a tough time trying to understand why the other person is behaving in a manner that displeases you, take a moment to step back. Instead of passing judgement, explore answers.

当您在艰难的时期试图理解另一个人为什么以令您不满意的方式行事时，请花点时间退后一步。 与其通过判断，不如探索答案。

Widen your perspective by asking these questions:

通过提出以下问题来扩大您的视野：

• Why do I feel this way?
  为什么我会有这种感觉？
• What does the other person feel in this situation?
  对方在这种情况下感觉如何？
• How are my biases coming into play?
  我的偏见如何发挥作用？
• Could I be skipping some facts?
  我可以跳过一些事实吗？
• How do I contribute to this behaviour?
  我如何为这种行为做出贡献？
• What if my feelings are wrong?
  如果我的感觉不对怎么办？
• What do this situation and person teach me about myself?
  这种情况和人对我有什么影响？
• Could they be feeling insecure around me?
  他们会在我周围感到不安全吗？

“Self-awareness enables us to stand apart and examine even the way we ‘see’ ourselves — our self-paradigm, the most fundamental paradigm of effectiveness. It affects not only our attitudes and behaviors, but also how we see other people. It becomes our map of the basic nature of mankind.”

“自我意识使我们能够脱颖而出，甚至可以检验我们'看'自己的方式-我们的自我范式，最基本的有效性范式。 它不仅影响我们的态度和行为，还影响我们如何看待他人。 它成为我们人类基本本性的地图。”

— The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey

—斯蒂芬·R·科维(Stephen R. Covey)的七种高效人的习惯

Turning the difficult moment into a learning experience can help you make changes in the way you respond, ask questions, and act around difficult people. Some of these small changes can be big enablers for reinforcing positive behaviour.

将困难时刻转变为学习经历，可以帮助您改变应对方式，提出问题和与困难的人交往的方式。 这些小变化中的一些可能是增强正面行为的重要推动力。

It may even present an opportunity to the difficult person to shift their perspective by noticing how others around them behave and act.

通过注意到周围其他人的行为和举止，它甚至可以为困难的人提供一个改变其观点的机会。

3.不要React，采取行动 (3. Don’t react, act)

When you are upset, the natural tendency is to react without thinking straight. While not intentional, your reaction may give more power to the difficult person by acknowledging that they bother you. It causes fixation on a different problem than the one you intended to solve together.

当您不高兴时，自然的趋势是做出React而没有直截了当。 尽管不是故意的，但您的React可能会承认困难者使您感到困扰，从而使他们更加有能力。 它导致解决与您打算一起解决的问题不同的问题。

A well-thought-out action, on the other hand, may diffuse the situation by shifting the focus from their difficult behaviour to the desire to find a solution together.

另一方面，经过深思熟虑的行动可能会通过将焦点从他们的困难行为转变为寻求共同解决的愿望，从而分散局势。

When dealing with difficult coworkers, show a collaborative mindset by:

与困难的同事打交道时，请表现出以下协作态度：

• Discussing the outcomes that you both desire
  讨论你们都想要的结果
• Establishing boundaries on acceptable behaviour
  建立可接受行为的界限
• Actively listening to the other person
  积极倾听对方
• Moving the focus from drama to finding solutions together
  将焦点从戏剧转移到共同寻找解决方案

Action, not reaction, drives results.

行动而不是React驱动结果。

4.走艰难的路 (4. Take the hard road)

Despite all your efforts to keep the drama in check, things may eventually not work out. Some people are indeed very difficult to manage.

尽管您尽了一切努力来控制电视剧，但最终还是无法解决问题。 有些人确实很难管理。

Instead of being disappointed and reverting back to your default mode, involve the right people for guidance and seeking ideas.

不要让失望的人回到默认模式，而要让合适的人来指导和寻求想法。

Some other strategies that may also work and are worth trying:

其他一些可行的策略也值得尝试：

• Give candid feedback to the difficult person yourself or have their manager deliver the message.
  自己给困难的人坦率的反馈，或者让他们的经理传达信息。
• Involve a third party who can act as a mediator by adopting a more neutral tone.
  让第三者参与进来，该第三者可以采取中立的语调来充当调解人。

Humans are complex, irrational beings, and we are not magicians to turn everyone into our clones.

人类是复杂的，非理性的生物，我们不是魔术师，无法将所有人变成我们的克隆人。

But we can add a little magic to our lives by controlling our own behaviour around difficult people.

但是，我们可以通过控制自己在困难人群周围的行为，为我们的生活增添些魔力。

How do you manage difficult people at work and in life?

您如何在工作和生活中管理困难的人？

摘要 (Summary)